Dealing with Loss in the Military

I experienced loss at a very young age.  When I was in elementary school my teacher carted in the TV and we watched news coverage of a local tragedy.  When I got home that afternoon, my dad told me that my cousin was murdered in that tragedy.  I didn’t really know how to deal with that. I remember having this pain deep in my heart and it wouldn’t go away.  I remember just lying in my bed and crying, day after day, and not knowing why.  After a while it got better, and eventually I concluded that I was okay.

Several years after I joined the Air Force I was proudly wearing my newly earned Staff Sergeant (E-5) stripes.  I was at a new base and was immediately designated the supervisor for several troops.  This was a fun time for me.  I learned how to lead people on the front lines of our mission and it was hugely rewarding.  It was awesome to finally be in a role where their well-being was entrusted to me.  It was my job to make decisions and make sure they had everything they needed to succeed.  One day I was notified that one of my troops had passed away in a tragic accident.  I had experienced loss once before, but this was different because I had to fulfill my role as his supervisor while in the midst of my grief.  I had to do things that made me very sad, and still affect me when I think about them today.  It wasn’t because I was ordered to or that I was coerced, it was because it was the right thing to do.  This is where I began to understand what it means to serve.  My troop and I were called by our country to serve, luck and timing brought us together, and fate tore us apart.  I believe my understanding of the bigger picture softened this blow, but the loss still hurt.  After I got through this time I realized the pain from this loss and the one when I was a kid was still there, but I shrouded it and pushed it deep down inside me like a cocoon.

The Struggle

A few years ago I wrote about some of the challenges I experienced after I became an officer.  One of my friends who also commissioned through OTS was having a really rough time.  He had a great career as an enlisted member and after he achieved his dream by earning his commission, he realized the career field he was selected for wasn’t a good fit for him.  I think in his darkest moments, he wanted to resign his commission and return to his old job.  He was also dealing with a lot of personal issues from his past, and he was exhausted by the constant burden and pressure of being an officer.  As I talked about in my article, the pressure is real.  The expectations of being an officer can be uncertain.  Our proudest accomplishments can be unacknowledged by the people whom we respect the most, and the things that are most important to us can be threatened by the uncertainties of the future.

My friend was in a very dangerous place.  When you are in the midst of this darkness, you begin to lose sight of everything else.  The smallest frustrations trigger a temper inside of you that you have never seen before.  The disappointments of everyday life become devastating.  You become blind to the obvious answers to life’s simplest problems.  Maybe you are having a good day, but that one thing can trigger an emotional spiral that sends you back into the darkness.  Unfortunately, some people live in this place and can never escape.

One of my other coworkers said he couldn’t understand how suicide becomes the answer.  My answer to him was simple, when you are in pain you lose sight of everything else.  Think back to when you tweaked your back or broke your arm… all you can focus on is the pain.  You vaguely know that your friend is right there next to you but his presence is shrouded.  You want to reach out to him but instead you have to focus on making the pain to go away.  When you are in emotional pain and can’t see how you will ever get out of it, you just want it to stop.  You aren’t thinking about the resiliency training you attended earlier in the year.  Maybe you desperately want to reach out to your friends, but the darkness destroys your self-esteem.  Reaching out would make you a burden, and you refuse to do that to them.  It doesn’t make sense but that is what goes through your head.

The Sadness

My friend and I both struggled with this place.  He talked to me about all of the enormous issues he was dealing with and I was there for him, but I couldn’t help him with his biggest problems.  Eventually we got him the help that he needed and he was on the path to recovery, but in the end it wasn’t enough.  While in the darkness he thought he lost the one thing that was most important to him, and he committed suicide.

When I found out, that cocoon of darkness inside of me was again hatched, but instead of being something beautiful it let out this thing that was dark and sickening.  It was like dropping a well of ink into a swimming pool, but the darkness enveloped the water instead of the water diluting the ink.  The darkness poisons everything you do, everything you perceive, and every thought you have.  I felt the same sense of loss I experienced in elementary school.  I had to do things that made me very sad and still affect me like when I was a Staff Sergeant; but on top of that, I was plagued by the guilt and “what if” questions.  Most of all, I am sad for my friend.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

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Reflection

I wrote this shortly after it happened, but didn’t publish the post until now. Originally I wanted to go on a rant about how this is a huge problem in our Air Force and provide some front-line insight into how our leadership could continue to address it, but it didn’t feel right so I never did.  In the end I concluded that sometimes leadership all the way to the President can do everything right, but someone may still choose to commit suicide.  That isn’t true for every case. It also doesn’t mean that we as leadership and peers shouldn’t try; but for me at least, it’s a reality that I have to live with.  This reality is hard to swallow and even when I do, it doesn’t make it feel any better.

I want to focus on the part that we as supervisors at the tactical level can control. As I explained above this was not my first exposure to loss, but this loss struck me very hard.  Many of you may recall my period of radio silence on social media and on my blog, that was the period when I was trying to traverse this very dark period in my life.  I still don’t fully understand why or how it struck me so hard, but here are a few thoughts of clarity that I gained through this experience.

Proximity

We in the Air Force receive a lot of training about suicide, and part of me believed that it would never actually touch me. But realistically, it will touch all of us eventually as we advance higher in our leadership role as officers. I remember talking with my friend and realizing one day that he was legitimately in a dangerous place.  We all know what we say we would do in that situation, but actually being in that situation is different.  It can’t be simulated, and I honestly believe that each situation is different depending on the specific people involved.  I have no guilt about this portion of my experience.

Finding yourself in that moment when you realize you are walking with someone through a dramatic pit of emotional or mental darkness is a sobering experience.  I remember the moment when I realized that my friend needed me.  In my normal emotional state I would have dropped my entire life to help him, but at the time I was fighting my own challenges.  I realized that a part of me was inaudibly telling myself that I didn’t have time to help my friend with his problems.  This made me feel like a terrible person.  One thing that this taught me however, is that we really do have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.  We can’t take it personal when we have nothing left to give.  I have found this is even more true as an officer than when I was enlisted.

Personal Boundaries

It’s difficult to know when to push your way closer to your friend, and when to back off.  I remember when my friend opened up to me and shared the enormous things he was dealing with.  We were walking on one of the trails on base and it was the first time we ever truly connected in that way.  I cherish that memory because it was a moment where I felt like I was being a good friend.  We have to constantly be on the lookout for these moments.  We are all so busy and we are pulled in many different directions, but when we find ourselves in that moment we need to stop, dwell, and connect with those around us.  That may be our one opportunity to make a difference in someone else’s life.

I remember several times when I wanted to spend more time with my friend and push myself closer, but I felt like my friend was pushing me away.  A part of me sensed that he was purposefully keeping me at arm’s length, but at the time I wanted to respect his personal boundary and I didn’t push myself closer.  This is a tough place to be in.  It’s tough because an earlier version of me would have just strong-armed my way deeper into his life, but ‘busy with my own life and issues me’ let myself be pulled away from my friend.  I don’t have regrets in this area, but I wish I would have tried harder.  I wish I understood at the time how much was at stake, and what opportunities I let slip through my fingers.  It may not have changed anything, but at least I would feel better about how hard I tried.

Professional Boundaries

I was in what I consider a “peer leadership” role over my friend.  Peer in that we were both the same rank, but positionally I was in a role of authority over my friend.  I have a ton of experience with leading Airmen, but my friend wasn’t the easiest person to work with.  I remember having to mentor him on certain issues within our workplace and instead of it being like one of the “by the book” situations that were simulated for us in our training or “Professional Military Education,” it became a very complicated issue which presented new personal challenges for me.  My normal approach at leadership didn’t work.  Some of the things I said were taken personally and deeply hurt my friend.  We as leaders have to watch for these signs in our subordinates.  If our troop lashes out in anger or is deeply hurt by a normal mentorship session, there is probably something else going on.  It is important for us to be sensitive to those deeper issues.  It is in this area where most of my guilt resides.  There are things I wish I didn’t say, and there are times when I wish I was more sensitive to the deeper issues.

The last thing I want to share with you is something that has come up for about half of the troops I have supervised.  My troops have been through some very significant life issues ranging from the challenges of dating, losing a best friend to tragedy, festering emotional pain from childhood, to dealing with cancer.  As a Christian my role as a brother or sister in Christ is clear.  As a military supervisor, my role as a Christian is less apparent.  I have always been very careful with sharing my faith in the professional workplace, and especially as an officer.  As a Christian I want to minister to or pray for my troops during these times, but I respect that this is not always appropriate for a military supervisor.

For this situation in particular, I wish I would have done more as a Christian.  I wish I would have invited my friend to church, and spoke more about how my personal faith had helped me through the darkest periods of my life. Unfortunately, I will never again have that opportunity with my friend.

Moving Forward

This post encompasses a significant portion of my life journey, both as a human being and as an officer.  It wasn’t fun and it isn’t a period of my life that I like to think about, but I thought it was important for me to share it with you all.  After my friend was buried and I said goodbye, I was finally able to process some of my emotions.  Now that I have processed them and have allowed God to begin his healing in me, it is finally time for me to take a step forward.  I am deeply saddened that for each step I take I am leaving my friend and my memories behind, but this is something I have to do.  I appreciate the support of all of my readers, coworkers, friends and family.  Please share this post with anyone you think could benefit from hearing it, because maybe, just maybe, it will help save someone’s life.

Psalm 23

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The Lord  is  my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalms 23:1‭-‬6 NKJV